A Dalek in Love

Gather round, folks, and let me tell you about the worst Styx song ever, "She Cares." It starts off fine, telling a nice little story about... well, apparently about a sniper who can't bring himself to finish off his target. It's possible he still wings her, though.

I tried to be the perfect soldier

I tried to be what everyone said was expected

Somehow I was selected

Well, my hands were steady, my aim was true

But deep inside of my heart I knew

That I lacked the will

I just couldn't shoot to kill

Or maybe it's just a trite metaphor for baggin' a piece of tail. Either way, after a sweet courtship like that, she's bound to fall in love with him too, and a hideous chorus emerges in which we learn that she treats the speaker, "like a human," with the back-up voices echoing soulfully to the syrupy tune, "like a hewwwmaann." Touching, right? If only we could all find someone willing to go that extra mile and treat us like humans.

In the next verse, he's psychotically jealous and unfaithful to her at the same time. While his amazement at her continued affection is becoming easier to understand, the notion of treating someone like a human (like a hewwwmaann) still fails to awaken any emotion whatsoever in me. After all, if the guy's that much of a dick, I'd rather he be alone and miserable than singing perky songs about the one girl who treats him better than he deserves (like a hewwwmaann) after he ruined her life.

But I thought, you know, maybe I'm not giving this song a fair shake. Maybe it's about someone who really should be surprised to be treated like a human (like a hewwwmaann). Maybe he's a Dalek! Thinking it over, I realized that you really wouldn't have to change much for that to work.

It was all downhill from there.

So come along, boys and girls, go get the song playing on YouTube or something and then pop back over here to read the revised lyrics along with it, 'cause there's no way I'm ever gonna sing for you.

She Cares (Dalek Version)

Designed to be the perfect soldier
I only knew that I was what Davros created
Somehow I was mutated
Well one arm's a plunger, one arm's a tube
Inside the armor, I'm squirmy goo
And I lacked free will
I only knew how to kill

And still she treats me like a human

She says she'll still be there

I may be truly evil, but I'll be there
'Cause I know she cares

I exterminate the lesser species
I'm programmed to ensure that mine is the only one
That's how I thought it was done
But I went to far, forgot my place
My scheme to launch Earth deep into space
Seemed a sure-fire win
Oh what a fool I've been

And still she treats me like a human (like a human)

She says she'll still be there (that she'll be there)

I've just killed all her family, but she's not scared

'Cause somehow she cares

I guess that's the way it goes, the way that it goes

And nobody knows what compels her

She's seen my highs and lows and never let go

Oh yes she treats me like a human (like a human)

She says she'll still be there (that she'll be there)

I can't process these feelings, my heart's impaired

But somehow she cares

I guess that's the way it goes, the way that it goes

And nobody knows what compels her

She's seen my highs and lows and never let go

And when the Doctor kills us all again

I won't have to feel alone

'Cause I know she cares

Cool Stuff from the Mail

Okay, Tio was already here, but he's cool too.

Lost in Vicksburg

I dreamed I was traveling, catching buses in the rain and rushing through crowded airports. Naveen Andrews was in one of the airport bars telling stories, but I couldn't follow the plot because the bartender kept grabbing me to natter on about the flooding in Vicksburg. My clock radio may have been to blame for that last part.

CSI: Transylvania

Warning: this post has nothing to do with CSI anything. Not even Transylvania.

I recently finished reading Dracula (yeah, somehow I never got around to it before, but the magic combination of public transportation and Kindle has me catching up on a lot of reading) and noticed a couple of things. Lots of people whose jobs depend on reading books and saying clever things about them have read this book, so I don't really expect that I'm the first to make these observations, but hey, I've never heard them before, so maybe you haven't either.

The first is that I was kind of surprised to see Dracula described by Van Helsing as brilliant, but with a "child's brain." The explanation given is that this is a consequence of his transformation to a vampire and the condition is slowly fading, but his general description of Dracula's thought process is not a bad one for psychopathic serial killers in the real world. I wasn't expecting to see this in Dracula.

The one I found really interesting, though, is that Stoker seems to have gone out of his way to create a villain whose most fearsome natural enemy is the accountant. The Count has this grand plan to come creeping out of the darkest pits of the Old World and drag the people of London back into fangy serfdom, but he's got some issues. He has to sleep in his own special dirt, and he needs a place to hide while he's in a torpor. He even needs special transportation arrangements because he can't cross water unless somebody carries him. So how do you fight this dreaded monster from the past? You collate your documents. You make charts. You call up realtors and travel agents. Dracula may be more afraid of crosses and holy crackers, but what really kills him is modern bookkeeping.

So, you know, if you run into a vampire these days, don't bother making the sign of the cross; flash your smartphone at the bastard and watch him slither back into the Cold War.

Keamy

Getting near the end of Season 4 in Lost (yeah, I can't believe I didn't get into this while it was on TV) and damn, that marine is an asshole! I guess it's sort of a "boy named Sue" effect, though. I mean, Keamy? Makes me wonder how bad his first name must be, to drive him into a field where he's called by his last.

"Hey, Wiggledog, come here and help me out with-"

"Shut up! Just shut up, damn you! It's Private Keamy now!"

"(chortle) Seriously? Okay, fine, Private Keamy."

"Graaaaaa!"

Troll Whoot

No, that's not "woot;" it's "whoot," as in "who" grafted into "hoot." You know, all with the puns and stuff.

So, with the Beta City story done (a while back, actually, but then I got sick for like two weeks), I'm ready to move on to other projects. The adventure I'm planning to run for Troll Hoot is not next on the list, but that's what's been on my mind. And hey, I've gotta do it eventually, right?

Aaand I just realized I can't say much about it because some of the players will read this. I can say I'll be running it with Doctor Who: Adventures in Time and Space, it's called, "Dreams of the Cybermen," it uses - sort of - the classic series cybermen (for which I don't even have to come up with stats thanks to the nifty Aliens and Creatures set) and it cobbles together a bunch of threads from the show with, of course, my own additions. One of the things I'm enjoying about watching the Sixth Doctor episodes is that, so far, they seem more interested in the larger universe and how the pieces interact. I'd like to capture some of that here. I'm planning to have the players make their own characters. It'll delay the start a bit, but I can provide templates to help and I think it'll be worth it.

Okay, so apart from gushing over that game and its supplements again and telling you I'm excited about an adventure I can't describe, what's the point of this post? I have to admit that I don't feel much obligation to provide a point. If you don't like aimless meandering scrawl, why are you reading blogs in the first place? However, there's also the Troll Hoot itself (which I've written about previously) to talk about. Troll Hoot IV is going to be in Upper Sandusky, Ohio. Kind of a central location for our group, and it was generally agreed that there's no point in looking for an interesting town when we're mainly there to play games in the hotel.

And, oh yeah, the Friday Creature Feature might resume this week, but more likely next. I keep coming up with stuff I want to reserve for surprise effect in adventures and can't just toss into the web.

Friday Creature Feature: Pig-Leg

Okay, this one is a bit silly (not like the completely serious "bloodbeard" from last time) in honor of April Fool's Day, but it's still a perfectly functional Peryton RPG monster. It was inspired by a misspelling of "peg-leg" (among other things) by students reading Treasure Island.

Since this critter has a punny name, it seemed almost criminal not to include Tunnels & Trolls stats as well. They're under the description.