Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Five Stages of Watching a Browns Game

Denial: In this stage, the Browns fan simply refuses to acknowledge the uncomfortable fact that his team is going to lose. "We're still in the first quarter and we've already made a field goal! We're only four points behind. We can totally win this!"

Anger: As the dissonance between the fan's protective self-deception and the actual performance of the Browns becomes increasingly difficult to ignore, the fan is forced to defend his comforting delusion more aggressively. "That ref has it in for us! The Packers would never have made those last three touchdowns if not for the crappy calls!"

Bargaining: This phase is characterized by a growing awareness that the Browns can't possibly win the game on their own, but a continuing refusal to accept the inevitable conclusion. The fan therefore convinces himself that it is possible for his own actions to influence the game in some way. "Come on guys! If we all show our support, the Browns will rally! Let's do the wave! DEE-FENCE! DEE-FENCE! DEE-FENCE!"

Depression: At this point, even the most dedicated fan realizes that there is no hope. The Browns are going to lose. Again. All of the fan's defense mechanisms have been overwhelmed, resulting in a crippling emotional exhaustion. "To hell with this. I'm going home at half time. I don't even want to know what the rest of this game is going to be like. I wish I'd never heard of football."

Acceptance: With sufficient amounts of beer, pork products, and peer support, the fan recovers somewhat from his depression and achieves a degree of functional equilibrium. "I guess even a Browns game is better than nothing. At least it got me out of the house for a while. Cleveland rocks!"

No comments:

Post a Comment